'if ups the word.....' (e.e.cummings)

Hello everybody. I've just been to a marvellous workshop led by Hannah Sheppard of the DHH agency and then after that a 'Meet the agent' slot with her to discuss my novels.

I can't tell you good she is - you need to meet her yourself to find out. In the 'how to submit your novel' workshop she managed to encourage every participant while doling out good practical advice. I've blogged about the workshop in HOT (Hastings Online Times) so I'll put a link here once that goes live.

I have learned that my first three novels - the Dani stories - are not very marketable in their current form because of the time in which they are set - '60s - '80s. If they were rewritten as contemporary stories they would probably become marketable and Hannah said that she liked Dani's voice which was good to hear. This is information that I value greatly and I will think about whether and/or how to rewrite them. There will be a serious stock-taking coming soon.

I received helpful advice on the marketability of my contemporary novels, too, so I'm feeling positive about those. After the workshop on how to write a query letter, the next thing I shall do is to put that together and submit The Sauly Bird (or whatever title it finally gets).

I'm too tired to write more at the moment - exhaustion is setting in. More soon when I've picked myself up..... 'if ups the word and a world grows greener minute by second and most by more....' (e.e.cummings)

I hope that you're writing and 'tasting life twice' and that all your words are ebbing and flowing as they should.

Going down and coming up

Going down and coming up.

Hitting rock bottom. Down down down. Further down. Sinking, Drowning. Can't breathe. Can't speak. Can't think. Why bother telling stories....

A writer friend said that he always felt bereft after finishing a novel. He understood. Sent advice that the only thing to do was to start writing another one and find new characters to fall in love with.

I'm trying but I can't quite wrench myself out of the PNG world of Aulani and the Sauly bird. I go into daydreams thinking about them. That's where I want to stay. I've felt like a statue. Can only sit and stare. Can't move to do anything.

Two things have helped.

The first is that three trusted friends, one of whom used to work in Papua New Guinea, all like my novel. I can trust them to give me honest feedback. They have done so before but this time I got glowing feedback from all three of them. The comments keep going around in my mind and I get a warm feeling. I'm going to have to hang on to these remarks because I know that I'll see a hundred things wrong with it very soon - and I know that I'll get rejections when I start submitting it to agents and publishers.

Still, hope springs up like a weed as Aulani would say.

I need to reread it, polish it and produce a final draft, write a synopsis and a query letter. I promised myself that I wouldn't start on this for another few weeks. A month to write. A month in the drawer. A month to finish and send.

This is the fastest thing I've ever written and the rest of my personal life has suffered because of it. I haven't practised my music, haven't paid attention to my admin, have missed people's birthdays. I'm trying to make up for that now.

The other thing I'm doing to counteract the awful feeling of losing the world I was in for most of the time is to create another one. As my friend advised. Write another one. Write another one. It started off as 'A man with green eyes' but it is becoming 'The wallpaper bird'. Same story. Different focus. And despite both the last one and this one having 'bird' in the title, they couldn't be more different. The new one is a mystery. The Sauly Bird is a psycho drama/ thriller.

I wish I knew what you were writing or reading. How is it going? Do you struggle like me? I wish you well and send you very best wishes. May words pour out of your pens and your keyboards and arrange themselves in perfect patterns. May your words set you free.

Meeting the man with green eyes while waiting for The Sauly Bird'

Paul is out at the pub playing at the folk night while I'm sitting here in the writing chair. I should be doing all sorts of things that need to be done like writing a synopsis for The Sauly Bird, but I'm not. I'm too excited to write a synopsis yet. I'm waiting for the beta readers' feedback so I can finish it off. I'm finding it hard to leave Aulani and Papua New Guinea.

The Sauly Bird is a sort of psycho drama all about relationships, trust, the twists and turns of families, the peering into the darkness to see where the dead go when they leave us. Part of me can't bear to leave that world and the people in it.

While I'm waiting, instead of doing all the things I ought to be doing like reading the novel I'm supposed to be reviewing, practising the music for the session on Thursday night, writing a synopsis for The Sauly Bird or trying to put something together to say for the 15 minute slot I've paid for to Meet the Agent' at the Hastings Literary festival, I've started writing another story.

It's called The Man with Green Eyes but he's not a seaman. Don't think he is. He seems to be a lawyer (but he might once have been a seaman). The story swings between Germany and the UK and might go further afield. It's going to be thriller I think. Have written the first two chapters.

What are you writing? Where are you? I send you lots of very best wishes. Do write and tell me what you're doing and whether you're going through similar things to me. It feels almost as though I'm living in different worlds. My real world. My Aulani world in Papua New Guinea in The Sauly Bird and now this new one where I'm in Germany outside on a summer's evening talking to friends and hearing disturbing news.

Collapsed near the finish line of the 4th draft of The Sauly Bird

Hello everybody, this is what I think Aulani looks like - I found this picture on the net - but this is how I think she might look.

Until last night I was working every minute of every hour to get to the end of my fourth draft of The Sauly Bird. Nobody is driving me to finish this. Only myself. I nearly got there last night at 2 am so I'll get back to that after I've written this update. (Have spent today writing this week's post for Hastings Online Times.)

I found that I had to rewrite two sections because my characters just wouldn't go down the route of those particular bits of storyline. I've found out that I'm a 'pantser' not a 'planner' which, apparently, is one of the two styles of writing that people fall into. A 'pantser' is someone who 'flies by the seat of their pants.' Well, I'm not sure that is an accurate description of how I write.

What I do is to create the characters, have a look at their situation which always has a problem and then follow them down the road to the end of the novel. Actually, I do plan a little bit, but the story always goes somewhere else. So yes, I do plan, but then have to abandon it. This makes me ask myself why I plan at all and the answer is that I don't know because over and over again, I do the same thing. Plan the story and abandon it.

I don't mind writing like this because it's interesting to see what happens and and I am never sure of the ending until I get there.

Last night I stopped when I couldn't see straight anymore but I still hadn't quite finished the 4th draft so that's why I say that I collapsed near the finish line. It's not a finish line at all, of course. Every finish is just a new beginning.

But I'm feeling cheerful. The next step is to send it out to beta readers especially readers from Papua New Guinea. I've got a friend who has put me in touch with some friends from the past, who I hope will read and give me feedback. And I've got one or two very good friends whose opinion I trust who will read for me here.

I can't see my novel at all because I'm too close. In fact, I'm so close that I can smell the leaves and the steamy air and I'm happy to be back in Papua New Guinea, if only in my mind.

It won't be long before I fall back into the pit of despond - I'll see a hundred failings that I know are there. But just for now, I'm happy.

Thank you for reading this. I hope that your writing is going well. I think of you and wonder who you are. And where you are. And what you are writing.

Title - got it! I think....

Yesterday morning I was walking by the sea on my way to a training session for volunteers for the Hastings Literary Festival with my head still full of my story (I took this picture on the way - it was a grey day - not like today when the sun is shining again.)

It's a tale of many halves - life versus death, blood versus blood, woman versus man, mother versus father, parent versus child, sister versus brother, past versus present.

It's also a tale of modern times and mindsets, fixed versus changing.

The title is not about focusing on the main message because there isn't one - it's about focusing on the main question.

So I look to where my story finishes and see where Aulani is looking at the end and decide that my title is The Sauly Bird.

This may change again, of course, but we'll see.

Thank you, dear friends out there - it's been a great help to talk this through with you and I feel as though that's what I've done.

I hope your own titles are landing clear and sweet.

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previous posts in this thread:
Title Nights
Title Nights Update
Title Nights - the spirits of the dead

Title Nights - the spirits of the dead

One of the things that runs through the whole story is a preoccupation with the spirits of the dead.  In particular, one man's spirit. The dead man's face is in leaves and stones and his spirit seems to appear as a bird.

Maybe I didn't include this in the original list because a) writing about the spirit was unintentional, b) it was not planned as part of the story (although it is an important part) and c) there are no answers.

I don't know.

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Title Nights
Title Nights Update
Title Nights - the spirits of the dead
next one:
Title - got it! I think...

Title Nights Update

No, I haven't got a title yet, but I got up this morning with an overwhelming urge to sort out the brainstorming list of what my novel Aulani is about but all sorts of things got in the way and now it's gone lunch time. It's funny how the mind sometimes feels as though the latest thoughts just have to be let out somewhere.

I started off trying to change yesterday's Title Nights post, but it got so messy, I'd thought I'd leave it and start a new one. 

Here is the new list of what the novel is about. I've grouped together the things that belong with each other and deleted items that are too minor to include. Was almost shocked to see that I'd not included 'rape' in the first list.

Q - identity

• a child being thrown out by her mother
• tangled family connections
• blood lines
• family bonds

Q - how do you change someone's beliefs - and should you?

• accusations of sorcery
• torture and rape
• belief systems and the fact that what you believe alters how you behave
• the difficulty of changing someone's beliefs 
• special powers
• manipulation of people's beliefs for both personal and political ends

Q - Why do people behave as they do? Fate vs freewill?

• coming to terms with killing someone
• working out who to trust
• betrayal
• payback
• the complexity of people 

Q - Are cultural differences superficial?

• comparison of places and cultures - Papua New Guinea, Australia and UK

Tout comprendre, c'est tout pardonner 

This shouldn't have been be in the list at all. It's not what the novel is about, it's a wish. A hope that the readers will understand the characters and forgive them for their bad actions. A wish for them to be lovable.

Here's a link to the first post on Title Nights, and the one that comes after this one Title Nights - the spirits of the dead, and the one after that next one Title - got it! I think... - and a link to my this week's post for HOT  Be fearless - write your truth.

Title Nights

A title night is a night when I switch off the light to go to sleep then switch it on again five minutes later to write down another 'ideal' title that I've thought of. Then I have to google it to see if anyone else has thought of it, but after that, everything gets switched off again. Ten minutes later, on again. Then off again. And so on. Have you had nights like that?

I've finished the second draft of what, for the time being, is still Aulani. It needs more work, of course, but the title is driving me crazy. I remember this from the other three novels that I've written. The same thing happened and it seems that, at least for me, this is a necessary stage on the way to finishing. It forces me to identify not only what my novel is about (which by this time, I know), but more importantly, what its main focus is. And, if possible, I want a title that says more than it appears to say - just like the picture above does (or at least, I tried with it - if you look closely, there's a woman and a cooker inside the pumpkin).

My novel - in no particular order and including both major and minor items - is about the following (like the titles, I'll probably keep changing this list):

• a child being thrown out by her mother
• love and care given by strangers
• accusations of sorcery
• torture and killing
• fate and free will
• comparison of places and cultures - Papua New Guinea, Australia and UK
• growing up
• liking to look nice
• sexual attraction
• working out who to trust
• payback
• belief systems and the fact that what you believe alters how you behave and these actions have far reaching consequences
• the difficulty of changing someone's beliefs e.g. it's not possible simply by presenting a few facts
• the special powers that people sometimes have
• manipulation of people's beliefs for both personal and political ends
• tangled family connections where people don't know to whom they are related
• identity
• betrayal
• wanting to study and have work that is interesting
• wanting to understand why people behave as they do
• the complexity of people
• family bonds
• a character who feels real but whose behaviour is baffling (I understand the others but not this one)
• tout comprendre, c'est tout pardonner

You might be surprised to know that I do have a synopsis and one that makes sense, but it's not the same thing as looking into the depths of the story which is easier to do with a list like the above. Ha ha. I think it is. I'm hoping.

Even more surprising is the fact that the story is finished, completely written and yet I'm still wondering what it's about. But I am and it's the seeking into what's below the surface that I am learning from. As though I've still got something to tell myself that I haven't quite seen yet.

I go up and down like a yo yo in relation to this novel. I'm briefly (and I fear it may be very brief) on an up, so I'll post this before I hurtle down into the depths once more.

I hope that your own writing is going well and send you the very warmest best wishes to speed you on your way.
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If you're interested, there's a Title Nights Update and Title Nights - the spirits of the dead and Title - got it! I think..., as well as my latest post on HOT Be fearless - write your truth (all added on Tuesday August 13th, 2019)

A bleak feeling

I've finished the first draft of Aulani but I don't feel as glad as I thought I would. My characters didn't behave as I wanted them to, didn't learn the things I thought they should have learned and one of them still baffles me.

I read an observation in The Guardian that seems to describe what has happened:

‘a commitment to truth requires that you let go of your desire to use fiction to enforce justice. ‘ 

Cat person author Kristen Roupenian on the trouble with writing about sex The Guardian, Saturday August 3, 2019

Is that what I've done? Let go of my desire to enforce justice?

I've respected the truth of my characters but the downside of this is that my novel shows a bleak world with characters who betray each other. This story is not comforting. Or uplifting.

In my previous novels I tried to do the same i.e. I've tried to respect the integrity of my characters. The characters in my Dani stories, for example, behaved without regard to my plans for them. But at least I felt that I learned something along the way. I watched them and understood them. And cared about them.

Maybe I've learned something this time, but it may be that I don't like what I've learned. This time, too, I like my characters but it seems as though there's a divide between them and me and we can't speak to each other.

Since I created the characters - or did I merely observe them? - then their truths should match mine. But their world and their actions seem alien to me so that I'm left with this bleak feeling.